in love with anxiety

I’m 21 and I’ve suffered from anxiety for a significant period of my life. I don’t look like i get anxious about many things though, but most of what anyone puts out there is really an ideal version of themselves; i tried taking this photo without smiling and i looked god awful. Yet, it is easier for me to change how i look externally than the internal emotions that project how i feel externally. Yesterday I wrote about implementing change in my life, and today I had my first attempt at fighting my anxiety and going about with my day. I failed badly at keeping my resolution…. it almost feels like i am right back where i started. the master of all talk no action.

I came up with something that I realised was constructed with the intention of benefiting my boyfriend by reducing opportunity for anxiety as opposed to doing something that had my best interests at the core of the solution. The fear of needing to quickly find a solution to eradicate the problem is useless if all it does is pacify the situation temporarily. I spent a significant amount of time thinking about the difference between wanting someone and needing someone and the lines seem blurred. My bestfriend, Angel has always expressed that she needs me in her life, and because we are soulmates, I found the former difficult to absorb. However, from the way i see it, to want someone is to make it optional or disposable while needs are requirements; and possibly the way i see angel is different from the way i see anyone else, it’s hard to think about life without her, rationally possible of course, but a life definitely not as exciting without her.

but that was a diversion from the main topic of conversation

i’m not sure how people look at anxiety, or what anyone’s thoughts are on this subject matter but i want give you a brief look into a life of someone who struggles to keep it together sometimes.

my anxiety is not funny, it does not come with an easy switch on/off button. it creeps up on me when least expected and like an uninvited guest, it stays for as long it pleases. i try to fight it, i’ve tried to kill myself, i’ve tired to ignore it, attempted to mask it by diverting my attention, but it is never sufficient. maybe this won’t feel real to most people because you can’t see it, you can’t decipher what the fuck is actually wrong with me and why am i acting like a needy little cunt most of the fucking time.

but if you’re reading this, and you truly want to know how to help, here’s the only protip i have for you….. don’t confuse my cries as a sign of weakness, i may have way more issues and fears than an average jane but doesn’t take away anything from all my other wonderful qualities. grab hold of that hand that’s waving frantically at you, hold on to them for as long as they need you to, sometimes it is rough and you might want to let go and let them drown because you had enough(trust me sometimes we want to drown too LMAO), and that’s okay. we don’t need saviours, we need partners and lovers and friends and inspiration. if it was possible for someone to save me from myself, i probably wouldn’t have as many stories to tell x

lastly, don’t confuse anxiety with drama; there are people who want the attention and actively seek it out through acting out and throwing tantrums etc but suffering from anxiety is never a choice. trust me when i tell you i want to be a normal fucking person without “baggage”!!!!!!!!!! i want to be happy and carefree, not have the life sucked out of me by overpowering thoughts. I am still very much committed to dealing with it, with or without support. talking about it and laying my struggles out in the open puts me in a vulnerable position of potential mockery and having doubts of the cast upon me. but there is never a time in life i have regretted being honest.

i feel so proud of myself today, despite doing nothing i planned, ha! addressing how i feel and putting things into perspective is so vital, i wish i had done it earlier. a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, freeing me of my worries…. moving forward, i know if all else fails, i have myself and my companion, anxiety LOL. this time at least, i’m going to put me first, and come up with smart solutions that help me and the people i interact with as well. i want nothing more than healthy relationships with everyone i meet, and as i am still committed to doing that, i might need some help here and there, but i will emerge stronger and more in control of my emotions. right now, it’s time for some fixed income and credit risk 😛

disclaimer: i am fine, sometimes i have lows, very low lows, to the extent where i want to put an end to it in the quickest way possible, but theses moments don’t occur all the time and this cloud is slowly drifting away, i look down at the puddle of tears and i see the reflection of a beautiful rainbow, i am comforted by the fact that i made it through this. writing has saved me from myself on so many occasions and this is a special time. i am no longer just single lonely vidya, i am stronger-than-i-was-yesterday vidya, happy this nightmare is over, and thrilled to try new ways to prevent it from happening as frequently, possibly still single depending on how my boyfriend feels by the end of this long read 😆, nevertheless hopeful that change will continue to inspire my choices!