this deepavali is rather significant for many reasons, and I feel compelled to write about it. i have always struggled with my emotions and it was not till today that I realised that it was an issue that needed to be addressed. since I could remember I had crushes on many guys and on multiple occasions I found myself reeling from despair of a broken-heart. Trial and multiple errors over the years have helped establish the importance of distinguishing between wanting to be with someone and being possessive; thus far I believe that I have been dealing with that rather well. But just recently, I found myself slowly reverting back to old ways- allowing my insecurities to dictate my actions. I feel awful, selfish and unloveable, for the most part, due to the lack of self-realisation of this monster I have turned into. I probably caused mass emotional trauma to my boyfriend whom I love so dearly, albeit unintentionally, but still hurt that I never wanted to cause in the first place. The truth of the matter is I had put in effort to build a relationship with this wonderful man, yet in a moment of weakness I allowed myself to drown in self-pity- what a god awful mistake that was.
Unfortunately or fortunately it took potentially losing this person to recognise I have to deal with my problem head first. So this is my plan for improvement, vidyasakthi 2.1* is a work of art in the making. I want to do this for myself, because I am capable of great things and I believe in myself; and I have already won a small battle on my own knowing that I won’t give up on myself because so many pages of my story are still unwritten.
I intend on countering my sporadic lows with positive highs. I lay my trust in the people I hold close to knowing that they have my best intentions at heart while pledging to give as much as I get from them. This is such a vital rhetoric that I have to hold to my core to ensure I reduce deviation and have maximum success in my journey of self-improvement.
Less worrying equals to more productivity. And this is my take-away for today. I know I can do this and I’m thrilled to channel all this energy I have on myself.
Busy schedules are anticipated for the coming weeks but I have a couple of things that I am excited about. One of which being sorting out my finances and for my upcoming trip and the other being researching on fund management(part of my thesis) and potential area of interest career wise post graduation.