Adulthood is fast-approaching and the pressure to have my shit together is mounting. I’m aware that it is imperative that I come to terms with my insecurities but at a glance it seems like I am way more insecure than I hoped to be. There are moments,like yesterday, where I feel the confidence I put in effort to build, dwindling slowly. I look in the mirror and the reality of the excess melanin in my skin feels like dagger to the heart. It is okay to be unfair they say but to have to exist in a society that claims you are beautiful for a dark girl is a challenge in itself especially when you are being fed with beauty standards, albeit unrealistic, but still somewhat achievable as long as you are white or fair or pale skinned or don’t have much melanin.
Hence, I look elsewhere for validation of the way I look, hoping it will suffice. For the longest time, I relied on the approval of the highest class of the food chain; white cis male, knowing that if I’m wanted by them I am worthy of considering myself beautiful. Yet, even being accepted by the most desired species of male is overpowered by the fear of losing them to someone more beautiful and fairer.
My bestfriend’s reason for not having a social media presence is to avoid having to look at beautiful girls who have everything going for them. I have to admit that there are times where I am on my Instagram stalking random girls thinking damnit how can I compete 😭 but like my bestfriend, many are led to believe that beauty is mutually exclusive. It isn’t though. I mean sure Taylor Swift is gorgeous but so is Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Laverene Cox and so on.
You are right though T, I am my own kind of beautiful
Some days I forget that my self-worth should be generated internally; independent of external factors. Unconsciously, I’ve been welcoming a change in perception through small acts such as wearing a bikini, which I wouldn’t have done previously in fear of looking too gross, being at the beach basking in the sun despite possibly becoming darker, embracing my Indian culture through bravely wearing traditional clothes out more often(I mean we are basically covering our crop tops with fancy designed cloths like how trendy is that 🌞), posting pictures of my face without make up on loving the fact that my eyes are huge and despite them being deep-set and causing a darker undertone; ultimately finding ways to enjoy life without any restrictions from myself or those around me.
So here’s a huge goodbye and good riddance to almost 21 years of having the opinions of others and belittling thoughts raid my mind on the regular. today I am more glad than ever for never having given into the desire to use whitening products heavily marketed by the south asian community nor letting south indian movies with dark actors and the fairest possible actress(usually from the north) get to me, afterall their plots were mostly so bad, getting through three hours without sleeping was a struggle itself.
I love myself and as I rebuild my confidence I am certain it will radiate good vibes. I work towards no longer needing the approval of others to reassure myself and my hope for the future is to be loved for my dark skin instead of inspite it.
Also!!!! Discovered bitmoji today and how you can create your own avatar!! I finally have emojis that actually represent how I look, how cool is that! Yay to inclusivity amiright lol
my melanin stay poppin’