I’m overcomed with emotions as my mind wanders in the realm of future possibilities. Fear overpowered by anger for the lack of action resulting in intense feelings of helplessness; but only I can help myself. Maybe I spend more time dreaming than doing and wishing than working; inspired yet still distracted.
Spending my time writing seems to further emphasise my point but finding this judgement-free zone might just be an accomplishment on its own. I feel therefore I write but these words feel like reflections instead of directions forward. The privilege I have been afforded to quality education is overshadowed by dissatisfaction of my current trajectory. Yet there are nights I lay awake consumed by guilt for not doing enough to make my career in finance more of a reality and less of a dream. Silly me, I should have realised sooner that I was chasing someone else’s dream that I adopted as my own.
At this instance I feel like I am ten steps back and one foot forward is not going to be of much use. One foot in the right direction however is what I need. This next year is going to be a struggle and if I continue to harbour harsh sentiments questioning my worth at every turn, I am doomed to be the failure I quite often perceive myself to be. The fear is very real, the quest is rather lonely and the courage i need has to come internally. I haven’t struggled enough to appreciate the sweetness of victory but I will get there.
I do know what I want to do with my life, I have just been redirected by my fear of failure. The ambition is to work with NGOs to engage and contribute to the betterment of society and the underprivileged. The opportunity to teach and educate girls, moulding them into confident women will be a privilege- one I hope to be afforded with. Fuck the paper-chase I am doing life on my own terms, I’ll deal with the scrutiny and disappointment but I sure won’t be able to live a life without purpose and passion.
This one’s for the dreams I’ve often neglected