to have loved and lost an incredible man

image2(picture of my fam taken in 2002, father-daughter duo killing it with our identical smiles)

On this glorious day, 70 years ago, my daddy was born. Today, albeit him no longer being here with me, I have choose to celebrate instead of mourn his absence. It is like any other day in Singapore; unpredictable weather, mom’s still at work and I’m home alone.

For the longest time, I brought myself to believe that if I had prayed harder, done more good deeds and expressed my gratitude more often, I wouldn’t be fatherless. However, over the years I have come to accept that in life there are many things that are unfortunately not within ones control, death being one of them. I have stopped mourning my loss but that does not mean life has become any easier, it has in-fact become much harder; as his death which is my loss is now a part of me that I will hold onto for the rest of my years.

I have also come to realise that the demise of my father should not be regarded as complete absence from my life ; his presence during my formative years has helped solidify my values and beliefs and I am immensely grateful for that. Although my father was robbed of his health in the earlier stages of my life, I was blessed to have had spent every day with him; even those days when he had his oxygen mask on and he could barely breathe let alone speak to me. His health did improve and for the first time in a long time, he was alive and he did all that he could to stay alive.

In retrospect as I look back at the many fond memories I have with my dad, I am really happy that he fully embodied the notion of living life to the fullest through putting the people he loved before everything else. As much as it saddens to me know that I will not be able to create new memories with him, I believe that everyone in life has a purpose and he just found his purpose earlier and had to leave sooner.

On days when my heart is heavy and I miss you terribly, you find your way into my dreams and help ease that sorrow and I wake up with a smile on my face knowing that I may have lost you physically but you live on in my heart forever. You were my first best friend, my protector, my supporter and my co-favourite person(tied with dj push).

I wish I was with you but I am still here in search for my purpose in life and I hope to be as good of a parent as you were to me.

I have loved and I have lost but I am moving forward and my memories of you will keep me afloat through the stormy waters.

love always,

your darling


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