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new year, same me???

Friday the 13th, definitely a great day to make an appearance in the virtual world, considering how I ran out of luck before the day even commenced in the real world .

So much talk about having resolutions, particularly those involving using that gym membership you signed up for years ago that you have probably forgotten about, or mistaken as a monthly donation to a charity? well resolutions are questionable especially if their very existence is to encourage you to postpone setting goals and following up with them, yet there are people who take this ritual seriously; my inkling is that it provides some form of comfort to soothe the weary soul of the battles ahead.

I have not set any resolutions for the year, as I realised that following them through can be challenging. No not because of the likelihood of laziness taking over but more so the stress attached to it. Setting goals are vital, they give you a great sense of direction but like what we learn in finance these goals are set on the current predicament of the individual. Do we set goals with a variable factor? are we considering the fact that there are external forces that may change the course of our path that we are not accounting for? If there is an absence of flexibility, the product of goal-setting tends to be far from it’s potential.

On a personal note, I find that as my experiences grow with time, I have developed some better time management skills, or at least how to allocate limited time where it is most needed.Ideally, hobbies and interests should be pursued as often as possible. Yet in my experience it is a stressful task to attempt to focus on other aspects other than my academics. As an individual that is only able to grasp difficult concepts slowly, I struggle to master the various modules I am required to take well enough for the exams is the main test of my competency in finance. Arguably, understanding the content should be at the core, but the notion of merely focusing on that and letting all else take its course is insufficient in my opinion. Doing well in university may not be an indicator of how successful you are, but it sure serves as a useful indicator of how much you can achieve with a lot of hard work and some luck.

With that in mind, I attempt to set loose goals that I can work into my existing schedule of events. One of them would be to workout in my room three times a week. Of course, I have yet to incorporate this in my schedule as of yet. I am hopeful that once i find some sort of balance and calamity after my exams I will find ways to construct a system that allows for an allocated period of free time dedicated to non-studying related activities.With Tino as my role model, I have attempted a new routine of spending a solid 8 hours minimum of focused work without my phone to distract me, a plan that I aim to carry through  till the end of my last semester as an undergraduate, at least. This seems to ensure the possibility of a more balanced work-load supplemented by healthier eating habits and with sheer determination, a bit of working out to keep the muscles happy. Of course, this may change and I might feel that I am not spending sufficient time improving the quality of my dissertation, or preparing well enough for tests and exams, and when that happens there will always be a plan b to revert to; same goals but a different approach at tackling it.

 

 

 

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from a minority to you

there is nothing more divisive than race and colour, yet i do not agree with those who fervently claim to not see colour. you are not fooling me, how can you tell me you are ignorant to our differences, does your indifference allow you the opportunity to treat me like how you would treat your own? because if it does, there is no progress to be made. we need to be able to recognise and address the inherent differences, celebrate them and not blur the lines. the ability to live with indifference to the world’s happenings is your privilege, and fighting for equality without understanding that this process is not to bring me up to your level, but for you to come back down to earth to mine. for you to understand my struggles, our struggles, anyone who has had to worry about having their names mis-pronounced because it’s too long, too many syllabus, not white enough. conversations about race are going to be uncomfortable, i mean imagine being oppressed for so long and having gained the strength to champion through, only to have that voice you worked so hard to build get silenced, again and again, because your struggles are not real and unjustified. how does one explain to the oppressor of the oppression that occurs when they have chosen to be blind to it, afterall in the argument of not seeing race they could well-assume the treatment of the rest is equal. BUT it is unequal, it has been unequal and by the looks of it will remain unjust forever, and that is the reality of the world we live in. unless there is more empathy, more kindness and acceptance; here’s a thought, maybe instead of trying to achieve homogeneity we should actively pursue the differences that set us apart. when you think about it, it is no doubt easier to convince yourself that you aren’t a racist, but we see you, shifting uneasily when we bring up the subject of race, possibly thinking of ways to invalidate our struggles so that you can sleep easy at night knowing that you have at least that one token minority friend(who’s basically ‘white’)

take us for our differences or don’t take us at all. neither your pity or sympathy is valuable, it takes the entirety of a community to produce solid change, and if you’re only in this to prove that you have good intentions, i’m sorry to say that that is not enough. honestly, lets be real, you probably don’t gain as much from helping us, and i can understand your reservations but if you’re going to talk about it without doing anything useful, then i’d say don’t give us false hope for a better world…………..and that’s all i ask for

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to love you from afar

 

distant in reality we may be, but this is the closest I’ve felt in all of eternity

to others we are merely faces on the screen,

divided by continents, connected by the internet.

and so it may be,

but the world around us is unaware of the work we are doing, narratives we are changing

the initial stages filled with uncertainty of whether you were taking us seriously,

i  soon realised my worries were dumbfounded, we became friends and there i saw it

this boy who was unknowingly changing my life, wonderfully kind with a big heart.

undoubtedly afraid of the stares and naysayers

i wasn’t sure if you could see beneath the darkness of my surface.

trying my best to mask my insecurities,

i did my best to thread very carefully, to let you see only parts of me.

you managed to breakdown all the barriers, you found my soul and you weren’t careless.

you lift me  up and you hold me down, you remind of all the good around,

my love for you is unconditional, you have my heart and i want you to keep it close.

i intend on staying with you through the highs and lows, supporting you through it all

there’s no greater privilege than being your friend, your lover and number one fan.

i am with you, on your side, rooting for you my darling,

our story might  be unwritten, but our adventure awaits!

there’s nothing more gratifying than realising dreams,

with my inspiration, motivator and partner in crime.

 

with love,

viddy

 

 

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1/11 21:53 Together but still alone

1/11 21:54 yennala eppadi vaala mudiyathu

1/11 21:55 kadavule yennai yen neenaivugalileerunthil kapaathungal

1/11 21:57 fuck this

1/11 22:40 when will it be enough tho hmmmmmmmm

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in love with anxiety

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I’m 21 and I’ve suffered from anxiety for a significant period of my life. I don’t look like i get anxious about many things though, but most of what anyone puts out there is really an ideal version of themselves; i tried taking this photo without smiling and i looked god awful. Yet, it is easier for me to change how i look externally than the internal emotions that project how i feel externally. Yesterday I wrote about implementing change in my life, and today I had my first attempt at fighting my anxiety and going about with my day. I failed badly at keeping my resolution…. it almost feels like i am right back where i started. the master of all talk no action.

I came up with something that I realised was constructed with the intention of benefiting my boyfriend by reducing opportunity for anxiety as opposed to doing something that had my best interests at the core of the solution. The fear of needing to quickly find a solution to eradicate the problem is useless if all it does is pacify the situation temporarily. I spent a significant amount of time thinking about the difference between wanting someone and needing someone and the lines seem blurred. My bestfriend, Angel has always expressed that she needs me in her life, and because we are soulmates, I found the former difficult to absorb. However, from the way i see it, to want someone is to make it optional or disposable while needs are requirements; and possibly the way i see angel is different from the way i see anyone else, it’s hard to think about life without her, rationally possible of course, but a life definitely not as exciting without her.

but that was a diversion from the main topic of conversation

i’m not sure how people look at anxiety, or what anyone’s thoughts are on this subject matter but i want give you a brief look into a life of someone who struggles to keep it together sometimes.

my anxiety is not funny, it does not come with an easy switch on/off button. it creeps up on me when least expected and like an uninvited guest, it stays for as long it pleases. i try to fight it, i’ve tried to kill myself, i’ve tired to ignore it, attempted to mask it by diverting my attention, but it is never sufficient. maybe this won’t feel real to most people because you can’t see it, you can’t decipher what the fuck is actually wrong with me and why am i acting like a needy little cunt most of the fucking time.

but if you’re reading this, and you truly want to know how to help, here’s the only protip i have for you….. don’t confuse my cries as a sign of weakness, i may have way more issues and fears than an average jane but doesn’t take away anything from all my other wonderful qualities. grab hold of that hand that’s waving frantically at you, hold on to them for as long as they need you to, sometimes it is rough and you might want to let go and let them drown because you had enough(trust me sometimes we want to drown too LMAO), and that’s okay. we don’t need saviours, we need partners and lovers and friends and inspiration. if it was possible for someone to save me from myself, i probably wouldn’t have as many stories to tell x

lastly, don’t confuse anxiety with drama; there are people who want the attention and actively seek it out through acting out and throwing tantrums etc but suffering from anxiety is never a choice. trust me when i tell you i want to be a normal fucking person without “baggage”!!!!!!!!!! i want to be happy and carefree, not have the life sucked out of me by overpowering thoughts. I am still very much committed to dealing with it, with or without support. talking about it and laying my struggles out in the open puts me in a vulnerable position of potential mockery and having doubts of the cast upon me. but there is never a time in life i have regretted being honest.

i feel so proud of myself today, despite doing nothing i planned, ha! addressing how i feel and putting things into perspective is so vital, i wish i had done it earlier. a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, freeing me of my worries…. moving forward, i know if all else fails, i have myself and my companion, anxiety LOL. this time at least, i’m going to put me first, and come up with smart solutions that help me and the people i interact with as well. i want nothing more than healthy relationships with everyone i meet, and as i am still committed to doing that, i might need some help here and there, but i will emerge stronger and more in control of my emotions. right now, it’s time for some fixed income and credit risk 😛

disclaimer: i am fine, sometimes i have lows, very low lows, to the extent where i want to put an end to it in the quickest way possible, but theses moments don’t occur all the time and this cloud is slowly drifting away, i look down at the puddle of tears and i see the reflection of a beautiful rainbow, i am comforted by the fact that i made it through this. writing has saved me from myself on so many occasions and this is a special time. i am no longer just single lonely vidya, i am stronger-than-i-was-yesterday vidya, happy this nightmare is over, and thrilled to try new ways to prevent it from happening as frequently, possibly still single depending on how my boyfriend feels by the end of this long read 😆, nevertheless hopeful that change will continue to inspire my choices!

 

 

 

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day 1

first and foremost, happy deepavali! this is my second favourite festival after thaipusam.

this deepavali is rather significant for many reasons, and I feel compelled to write about it. i have always struggled with my emotions and it was not till today that I realised that it was an issue that needed to be addressed. since I could remember I had crushes on many guys and on multiple occasions I found myself reeling from despair of a broken-heart. Trial and multiple errors over the years have helped establish the importance of distinguishing between wanting to be with someone and being possessive; thus far I believe that I have been dealing with that rather well. But just recently, I found myself slowly reverting back to old ways- allowing my insecurities to dictate my actions. I feel awful, selfish and unloveable, for the most part, due to the lack of self-realisation of this monster I have turned into. I probably caused mass emotional trauma to my boyfriend whom I love so dearly, albeit unintentionally, but still hurt that I never wanted to cause in the first place. The truth of the matter is I had put in effort to build a relationship with this wonderful man, yet in a moment of weakness I allowed myself to drown in self-pity- what a god awful mistake that was.

Unfortunately or fortunately it took potentially losing this person to recognise I have to deal with my problem head first. So this is my plan for improvement, vidyasakthi 2.1* is a work of art in the making. I want to do this for myself, because I am capable of great things and I believe in myself; and I have already won a small battle on my own knowing that I won’t give up on myself because so many pages of my story are still unwritten.

I intend on countering my sporadic  lows with positive highs. I lay my trust in the people I hold close to knowing that they have my best intentions at heart while pledging to give as much as I get from them. This is such a vital rhetoric that I have to hold to my core to ensure I reduce deviation and have maximum success in my journey of self-improvement.

Less worrying equals to more productivity. And this is my take-away for today. I know I can do this and I’m thrilled to channel all this energy I have on myself.

Busy schedules are anticipated for the coming weeks but I have a couple of things that I am excited about. One of which being sorting out my finances and for my upcoming trip and the other being researching on fund management(part of my thesis) and potential area of interest career wise post graduation.

தொடரும்…..

அன்புடன்,

வித்தியாசக்தி

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